There are certain statements out there that you hear again and again, so often that they sort of take on the status of truth. You never examine them for veracity, they just linger in the brush growth section of your mind and form part of the framework of your beliefs. For instance, fish is good for you. Or, racism is not ingrained but rather learned at home from the parents. I believed both of these things. Until now.

I no longer believe racism is learned at home and is not ingrained. That is too damn simple. My new theory is that racism springs from a childÂ’s dislike of looking or being different. At some very early point, kids donÂ’t like the idea of standing out. They donÂ’t like different. If something looks different or is outside of their little group norm-think, they have a tendency to shun it. ThatÂ’s my root cause explanation for why the Girl Child told me that she did not want to engage a particular baby sitter because that baby sitter was dark skinned. To be clear, there is no possible way that my children picked up negative attitudes about darker skinned people from me or my wife. We donÂ’t have them (as far as I know), we donÂ’t talk about attitudes like that, and we do our level best not to judge on appearance. We are particularly careful about what messages we transmit, overtly or quietly, to our children.

I took my little peanut aside after she confessed this and I told her that it was wrong for her to dislike the baby sitter because of the color of her skin. I told her that she didn’t even know the baby sitter and it was unacceptable for her to dislike her without knowing her. I told her that there were plenty of people in the world who I disliked but I disliked them for reasons wholly unrelated to their appearance and she too was allowed to dislike people, just not because of they way they looked. I reminder her of how unhappy she was when someone in her class called her the grinch because she did not celebrate Christmas and I told her that the situation there was identical to the situation here – someone judged her for reasons having nothing to do with who she was as a person. I then reminded her of an old exercise she did in her last pre-school where she made a list of all the things about her that people could not tell about her just by looking at her (which I blogged about in January 2005). I told her that the point of that was just to look below the surface and not judge based on the appearance. It is completely ok to judge other people, I told her, but it has to be done on a valid basis and the color of another’s skin is not a valid basis.

She seemed to take it all in. She also assured me that no one had been telling her that darker skinned people were bad. I wanted to rule out comments from classmates.

My wife and I were mystified by this turn of events and what could have given rise to it. So, I am sure it is just because of her becoming more and more aware of the world around her.

I didnÂ’t tell her, to my wifeÂ’s relief, that the world is primarily populated by ass-hats and color is simply not a good predictor of another personÂ’s ass-hat level. Politics, on the other hand. . .

By the way, I still basically think fish is good for you, all that shite about mercury to one side. Although, I do note that with all the fish I have eaten, I am better at predicting the ambient room temperature. So maybe it is the mercury.

Seriously, I hope I handled that one ok. I never saw it coming.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 02:42 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Yes it's a great shock when you realize that a child's environment isn't nearly as important as we were taught in class, isn't it? I still remember being completely shocked when my little girl wanted to act, well...like a little girl. I was so careful about making sure all things were equal when it came to gender issues. Really, I was quite the militant feminist back then, at least compared to how I am now. I didn't want any gender prejudices to affect her in any way. And when the boy came along, same thing; I was shocked to discover that despite being so very careful about anything violent never reaching him, I had full care of him, he was not allowed to watch TV unless I supervised and trust me, it was only Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, both kids were extremely protected at all times and yet, they both still made all kinds of decisions that simply shocked me. The girl wanted to dress up and play with dolls and have a play-kitchen set and the boy was rough and tumble and had a penchant for bopping other toddlers in the head with a toy if he felt provoked. I finally caved in and gave up on my cherished idea that a child raised in a certain way will behave that way because they wouldn't know anything different, right? Wrong. There is instinct, genetics, and tribal-behavior. It's not just environment, this idea we were taught (well, I was taught but college was a long time ago, perhaps it's different today) that babies were mostly soft clay waiting to be molded is *wrong*. Environment simply does not have the kind of impact we were taught it has. I've seen kids from horrible family situations grow up to be calm, decent, wonderful human beings and I've watched kids grow up in a family filled with love and nothing but opportunity into mean-spirited little monsters. I think we parents are scared to death of this idea because it takes away what we think is absolute control over our child's destiny. But that is a lie; we do not have that kind of control, we never did. We are merely caretakers until they are grown. We do the best we can but they are still individuals with their own unique way of looking at the world. This is why kids can be so damn cruel growing up. And some kids never outgrow that. I like to tell myself that my two grown "kids" are good people because their dad and I raised them so well but although that is part of it, it's also simply luck of the draw. They came pre-programmed to a certain extent; probably because genetically their dad and I are that way and most of their ancestors are as well. Most of us are nice people with good work ethics who try to do the right thing by our fellow man. Though not all, not by a long shot. Quite a few bad apples here and there in our combined family trees. And that's why genetics scares the hell out of people; we'd much MUCH rather say that it's all due to environment. What parent wants to believe that sometimes despite your best efforts, there is nothing you can do in some cases? Nobody wants to believe that. Anyway, sorry to ramble. Sounds like you did the DadJob perfectly, Random. As always. And don't worry; your little ones sound awesome. Good genes, I'd say. *grins*

Posted by: Amber at January 30, 2007 02:11 PM (zQE5D)

2 I think the best thing is that you told her it's ok to dislike someone. No, really, I think that's a great thing. I'm sick of all this "you gotta love everyone" BS because it's just not possible. There are people in this world I can't stand and nothing is going to make me like them. Nothing. Therefore, I think telling GC that she doesn't have to like everyone is a good thing. However, like you said, not liking them because of their skin color isn't a good reason.

Posted by: Howard at January 31, 2007 03:29 PM (u2JaN)

3 You handled it, as always, with grace and aplomb. I'm in total agreement with Howard, too, for the record.

Posted by: Margi at February 03, 2007 11:49 PM (4b9SY)

4 Excellent job, RP. And get used to being blindsided. This is just the beginning of of lifetime of 'not seeing that coming.' My son came home from day school many years ago when he was in JK and announced that he "wasn't going to play with Jason." When I asked him why I was totally floored when he replied,"because he has a black face." Well no, he didn't...he was the product of a marriage between a lovely Japanese mother and a Jewish father, but that wasn't the point. I remember thinking - where is this coming from? We certainly haven't taught him to think this way. And we finally had to come to the conclusion that he'd decided all by himself that this boy's face made him feel uncomfortable because it was different from his own or any that he saw on a regular basis. Of course, within a month they became 'best' friends, because four year olds are like that. And I think six year olds are, too once they get over their initial shock that their comfort zone has been challenged.

Posted by: Jocelyn at February 04, 2007 01:34 AM (bwFKZ)

5 Songs re hatred: So interesting. I guess it gives the lie to the South Pacific song: You've Got to be Taught: You've got to be taught To hate and fear, You've got to be taught From year to year, It's got to be drummed In your dear little ear You've got to be carefully taught. You've got to be taught to be afraid Of people whose eyes are oddly made, And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade, You've got to be carefully taught. You've got to be taught before it's too late, Before you are six or seven or eight, To hate all the people your relatives hate, You've got to be carefully taught! ======================= Instead, I believe with you that you have to be taught to be tolerant, all the old saws about judging a book by its cover. There's a song written for children, shortly after WW II by Hy Zaret who died this week at the age of 99. As I remember it goes like this: You can get good milk from a brown-skin cow, The color of its skin doesn't matter nohow. Ha ha ho, can't you see The color of her skin doesn't matter to me! ===================== This type of song plus stories in the same vein would seem to be necessary to raise open-hearted children.

Posted by: Fortunella at August 05, 2007 07:00 PM (utg0X)

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Posted by: tzhl ayufwng at June 13, 2008 06:14 AM (eqXe7)

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Especially when demonstrated by your six year old daughter. The Girl Child, not even 100 days into her kindergarten experience, attended shabbat celebrations with us at the Boy Child's preschool, where we were the shabbat family for his class. The celebration was all very nice, of course. The highlight, and all I may ever remember from this, was the Girl Child, sitting in front of the Boy Child's class of 15 children, reading a story to his classmates. She sat there and read to them. I swelled with pride and I risk becoming a bore as I share this with everyone I know.

Literacy. Catch it.

Did I mention how proud I was?

Posted by: Random Penseur at 03:08 PM | Comments (52) | Add Comment
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The Viking Bride engaged in 40 minutes of intense cardio activity yesterday morning. Afterwards, she got on the floor to stretch. The Boy Child, the early riser, got up and wandered downstairs to the playroom/gym and announced a desire to cuddle with her on the floor. After a brief cuddle, he got up, looked down at his mother, and proclaimed:

You are so stinky. I hope you don't go to work with that stinky on; if you do, they are going to send you right home saying that you are so stinky.

And then he left her alone on the floor, just her and her stinky.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 10:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Death, that is. The children are interested in death and have been for some time. The topic comes up regularly. Sunday night, it came up again with the following:

Girl Child: Boy Child, you are going to die, you know.

Boy Child: [swallows and asks solemnly] When?

Me: Not for a long time. My plan is that you will have a long and happy life. And then, one day, you will get married and your life will seem much longer still.

[Murderous glare from Viking Bride]

Me: There, you see? It is already feeling longer.

One day I will learn to leave well enough alone. I promise.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 11:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 LOL! You've already used up the credit from the cake?

Posted by: Hannah at January 16, 2007 01:11 PM (5w+E2)

2 Heh... I definitely see another cake required in the near future.

Posted by: Oorgo at January 16, 2007 01:21 PM (ZUQGo)

3 ha. I had such a cake today. It was a colleague's birthday. Such a cake should be good enough for at least 2 such conversations!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 16, 2007 03:38 PM (/vgMZ)

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The poor little guy cried from 10:51 until after 12:20 last night until he finally fell back asleep. He is bunking in with us in our room while my sister in law has claimed his room, formerly the guest room. We let him cry himself to sleep after he demonstrated an unwillingness to be terribly soothed. I kind of insisted on that over my wife's objections. I think it was for the best.

But the thing is, you see, I am so tired that, among other things, I even left my tie at home when I left for work this morning. Good think Brooks Bros. is still running their big sale.

This is not a good week to be tired. I have a dinner and committee meeting tonight -- first of the year, first with a new committee class, gotta set the right tone as chairman and have to drive the agenda. Tomorrow, a board meeting at which I will be front and center on a critical governance issue in order to resolve a sticky IRS tax situation that the organization is faced with. And then on Thursday, I am the MC at a dinner for 125 people. Sometime in there, I have professional responsibilities and a couple of other things to do.

Please let the baby sleep tonight. If not, shoot me now, please.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 02:00 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Ohh, I totally sympathize. Fortunately for ME, thus far, Babylove has sensed complete exhaustion/nervous breakdown on my part and has given me a chance to catch some sleep when I need it most. Hope your little guy does the same for you. ) xoxo

Posted by: Just Me at January 10, 2007 02:23 PM (7dCZy)

2 Well, if yer so busy then why are you the one trying to soothe the baby? Babies don't make decisions. They cry for a reason. If cuddling him doesn't stop the crying then he requires something other than cuddling. Food? Nah, he just ate a little while ago. Potty? Nah, he's dry. Lonliness? Nah, he's being held by a stressed out daddio with twelve-and-a-half other things on his mind. Oh, wait... That's when Daddy yells: "Mo-o-o-o-o-m...!!!"

Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 13, 2007 12:24 AM (H6d1A)

3 He's still reading the Times, I see. Hope things are looking up now.

Posted by: Linda at January 13, 2007 11:35 PM (4gch1)

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It was held on Saturday, although her birthday is not for a couple of days yet. She had a wonderful time, bothered only by the fact that so many of the parents decided to linger for the duration of the party and chat. She complained bitterly to her mother that it was supposed to have been a drop off party. Still, she got over it. We had it at a local gym, just her, her brother, and 25 of her best friends. Guess which parent was the only parent running around with the kids during the party? That'd be me.

After the party, our college roommate and his wife and two kids and another couple and their kids came back to the house. It was 70+ degrees. We sat on the deck, worked our way through three bottles of wine, and watched the kids all play beautifully together. It was sublime; an early taste of summer. I realized that there is almost nothing that I find more relaxing than hanging out with friends, in the open air, with wine, while hearing as a background noise the cries of happy children at play.

Saturday was really quite perfect. Like nothing could go wrong. Even including, for me, having eaten enormous amounts of pizza and two pieces of birthday cake and still having gone down a pound the next morning. I believe my wife may hate me.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 04:25 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 your wife? Heck, I hate you :-) Glad you all had a lovely time.

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 08, 2007 05:40 PM (/vgMZ)

2 Pretty much anything can be sublime with a couple bottles of wine...

Posted by: grammarqueen at January 09, 2007 12:38 PM (Phwij)

3 I'm with CTG. *snort* Actually, I am green with envy for several reasons when I read this post (again) -- not the least of which the fact that the El Nino that is treating YOU to such lovely weather has ensured we shall be in the deep freeze (lows of EIGHT DEGREES) until spring. This Desert Flower is NOT loving the Pacific Northwest at present. So if you get a chance, bottle up a sample of 70 degrees? I forget what that feels like. Heh.

Posted by: Just Me at January 10, 2007 02:25 PM (7dCZy)

4 Even including, for me, having eaten enormous amounts of pizza and two pieces of birthday cake and still having gone down a pound the next morning. Musta been cuzza all that running around with the kids.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 13, 2007 12:47 AM (H6d1A)

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You all may recall that the Boy Child recently cut his face, next to his left eye, and required the services of a plastic surgeon. The doctor put a bandage on the boy's face and told us that he should be as immobile as possible over a five day span which fell over the New Year holiday. He was kept as immobile as one can keep a not quite four year old active boy. He was pinned to the couch by a steady diet of television, something he rarely gets to watch.

The Viking Bride had him back at the plastic surgeon yesterday and the bandage was removed. The plastic surgeon's reaction: "Damn, I do good work". We felt that was positive. It appears that the cut has healed beautifully and may not even leave a scar. That would be nice. The Boy Child looks like an angel and I was not really ready to see his perfect little visage marked, yet. Although, maybe, a scar would make him less pretty. Either way, it is still a big relief.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 04:30 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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