I know it was very quiet here today. The thing is that I woke up this morning at 3:40 in a total sweat. I was absolutely convinced that every decision I've taken in the past month, or more, on every case I'm responsible for, was utterly wrong and I had totally screwed up millions of dollars of litigation. It was horrible and I was terrified. I also admit to worries that I had defaulted on a zillion different things. This is how stress manifests itself sometimes for lawyers; in night terrors. I could not get back to sleep and I was not awake enough to think about things rationally. It was pretty fucking horrible. I got up and I went to work. At my desk by 6:15 a.m. And I worked very hard today with no time outs for blogging. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to do but I got enough done that I ought to be able to sleep tonight.

All that said, I wish I had had the Girl Child's career vision when I was younger. She told me the following tonight:

GC: Pappa, I know what I want to be when I grow up.

Me: What's that?

GC: A doctor. [Pause] And a super hero. Although, it's hard work being a super hero.

That may be, but it beats being a lawyer. At least, it does this week.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 09:55 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Too funny. My son is alternately Spiderman and Superman. Occcasionally? A firefighter or a Rescue Hero. Just ask him who he is today. I once thought I wanted to be a lawyer. IReading your posts give me a warm fuzzy feeling that I made the right choice

Posted by: Elizabeth at September 28, 2004 01:08 AM (Sqjve)

2 Second guessing yourself is a problem for many of us. I'm sorry you had such a bad night. I hope your sleep is sound tonight. And I love the confidence of little children. The Artist use to want to be a vet, a horse-trainer, an artist and I don't remember what else! Of course at one point she weanted to live together with me and the rest of the family forever. She no longer has that as a dream. I miss that.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at September 28, 2004 02:21 AM (cOAtt)

3 Random...my job has suffered time to time as well due to blogging. It has panicked me at times. Blogging is fun, but not at the expense of our jobs. That being said, I've often awoken in the wee hours of the morning, sure that all my decisions have had dire consequences. Mostly concerning my children, not my job. "They are grown," you say. Yes. I still suffer at 3:40 in the morning. There is nothing that brings grey hair on as quickly as watching the decisions of 20-somethings you raised. In other words...I relate. In more ways than one. :-) As the girl-child said, it's hard work being a super hero. :-)

Posted by: Amber at September 28, 2004 03:11 AM (zQE5D)

4 I think it would be easy to be a super hero. What's to it? A pair of tights, some hair gel. The ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. No problem! I totally understand about the tossing and turning at night, though. Hoep you're feeling better today...

Posted by: Helen at September 28, 2004 04:59 AM (xKCn6)

5 i myself am currently employed as a super hero. it is hard work, but i find it extremely gratifying. and there was not as much school to attend as there is for a doctor. hope your week gets better RP....

Posted by: standing naked at September 28, 2004 09:06 AM (IAJcf)

6 Feeling much better today, thank you all very much. But, the day is young.

Posted by: RP at September 28, 2004 11:15 AM (LlPKh)

7 DAMN YOU and your thoughtful posts! You're totally RUINING my image of all my NY lawyers being claw-footed cyclops' that have NO SOULLLLL!! Kidding. Totally. And I'm very sorry that you're stressed. I'm sure that this means the transaction/deal/whatever it is will go off (seemingly) effortlessly, because you've done all of the "what if" planning beforehand. Hug your support staff. ::: wink ::: ::: grins :::

Posted by: Margi at September 28, 2004 03:15 PM (MAdsZ)

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I have clearly warped the mind of the Girl Child who, at 3 1/2, appears to understand me fully without need of translation. See, the thing is that I got into the habit very early with her of trying to say things in as many different ways as possible in order to build her vocabulary and the habit has become unconcious. This weekend we were in the car and had the following interchange:

GC: Pappa, can I put my window down?

Me: No.

GC: Why not?

Me: The control panel indicates that it is not appropriate for you to open your window.

GC: That means the lock is on, right? Maybe you could unlock it.

Me: [I laughed, bowed to her superior reasoning, and unlocked it]

It's fun with kids, to watch their vocabularies explode. I wouldn't trade these moments for anything.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 07:40 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 I'm going to try that on mine in the morning. She'll be confused, but that's because we won't be in the car.

Posted by: Simon at September 20, 2004 10:05 AM (rLUlE)

2 wonderful... she delights all of us...even though we have never met her. 'maybe you could unlock it.' heehee... great kid.

Posted by: standing naked at September 20, 2004 08:21 PM (IAJcf)

3 If this conversation happened when I was a kid (and we had automatic window-scrolling buttons in cars way back then) it might have gone something like this: BC (boychild): Can I roll the window down? Carolyn (my daytime guardian): Your question is 'MAY I roll the window down'. BC: Okay.. MAY I roll the window down? Carolyn: No. BC: Why not? Carolyn: Because the control panel indicates that it is not appropriate for you to open your window. BC: That means the lock is on, right? Maybe you could unlock it! Carolyn: Yes. Yes, indeed I could. BC: [*stares at Carolyn until the conversation has obviously ended*]

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 20, 2004 09:58 PM (LYY6j)

4 She is so precious. I know exactly what you mean re: living for those moments. They are precious indeed, and it's great that your recording them.

Posted by: michele at September 21, 2004 12:37 AM (2c9qq)

5 I'm glad you all enjoyed the story!

Posted by: RP at September 28, 2004 11:28 AM (LlPKh)

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I just put the Girl Child to bed and I wanted to record this quickly, before I forgot it. We were going downstairs, after saying good night to her brother, to have some dessert and watch some Yankees baseball and we had the following exchange:

Me: Would you like some pudding?

Her: The green kind?

Me: No, the other one.

Her: The butterscotch?

Me: Yes. [Ed. Note: The sugar free butterscotch jello pudding is like crack for the low carbers. Pure crack, I tell you]

Her: No [long drawn out and contemplative]. I'm into introducing myself to some ice cream.

Me: What did you say?

Her: I'm into introducing myself to some ice cream. I think I'll share with Mamma.

I really had to ask her to repeat herself. I just could not quite believe what she said or how she said it.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 09:13 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 "Introducing myself..." What is WITH this kid?

Posted by: frinklin at September 14, 2004 09:35 PM (7VjNn)

2 Your girl is the cutest!! Give her an extra hug and kiss. Just because you'll feel like it...

Posted by: Jester at September 14, 2004 10:07 PM (yS8Mo)

3 You have a listener on yer hands. And, listeners make the best lawyers...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 15, 2004 12:10 AM (OXKSY)

4 Frinklin, I couldn't believe it either. That's why I had to ask her to repeat herself. Well, TS, she's young yet and she may grow out of it. Thanks, Jester, you bet I will!

Posted by: RP at September 15, 2004 06:09 AM (X3Lfs)

5 omg way too cute giggling thinking of what your face must have been when you heard it...

Posted by: standing naked at September 15, 2004 06:43 AM (IAJcf)

6 She has the right idea. I think we should all introduce ourselves to some ice cream. Then take a nap. That's so *adorable*, Random! Makes my womb clench... :::sighs::: Ya know, nobody warned me that ramping up to menopause meant my womb was going to clench every 5 seconds or so! Nature's way of saying, "The two-minute warning just went off but you still have a chance! GO FOR IT!"

Posted by: Amber at September 15, 2004 11:52 AM (zQE5D)

7 Oh, man, she's adorable! And polite... after all, she wants to introduce herself, doesn't she? I hope she doesn't grow out of it all too much!

Posted by: Hannah at September 15, 2004 12:20 PM (7dELN)

8 Very cute Random. I wish I had her way with words!

Posted by: Mick at September 16, 2004 07:24 PM (m/BWU)

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I am reporting in on the first day of pre-school and the parents' meeting we attended that night.

Pre-school was charming. There are about 14 or 15 kids and 3 teachers. The Girl Child bravely consented to the pony tail and the risk of not being recognized, but, no fear, her teachers remembered her. That didn't mean she wasn't scared. She made it halfway down the front steps when she went tearfully flying back up the stairs to give her little brother an extra hug and a kiss. Drama and tears over, we headed off to school.

No separation anxiety this year. Uh, I mean that there was no separation anxiety for ME, she was fine. She gave us a wave, called me back for "an extra hug and a kiss, Pappa", and she was off. It was that easy. I don't think she looked back after the extra hug and kiss.

We picked her up after the abbreviated session and, on the way out, grabbed a couple of pastries for her off the tray they put out for parents. In the car, we asked her how the morning went. She told us, "we read Tassen Sover Borte på engelsk!" Which is "Spot slept over" and which she has in Norwegian at home. She was pretty tickled to have it in English.

All in all, it was a good start. The parent meeting was fine, too. The group of parents we met seem significantly less neurotic than last year. Interestingly, out of these 14-15 kids, the following language are spoken primarily at home: Spanish; Turkish; Hebrew; and, Norwegian. There may be some Korean speakers too but we weren't sure.

Thanks to everyone for their kind wishes! Unfortunately, no pancakes were possible. Sorry!

Posted by: Random Penseur at 01:15 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 No pancakes? Ooohhhh...this creates a depression in the karmic strings. A tensing that must be relieved. For a child of such tender age a suitable amount of the original or similar substance (perhaps waffles) would suffice. You are indeed fortunate that it was this child of yours and not your wonderful bride. With maturity comes a much more highly strung karmic net. An error starting with missed breakfast could end up as jewelry before it is truly corrected.

Posted by: Jim at September 14, 2004 11:46 PM (GCA5m)

2 Her first day at school and she didn't look back? You are truely blessed with a beaut. A real beaut!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 15, 2004 12:44 AM (OXKSY)

3 there will be pancakes today? tommorrow? right?

Posted by: standing naked at September 15, 2004 06:42 AM (IAJcf)

4 There will be pancakes, I promise. And I'm sure she will be happy to know that so many people are out there and advocating on her behalf!

Posted by: RP at September 15, 2004 07:35 AM (LlPKh)

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Forecast: Light to very light blogging today.

Today is the first day of pre-school and I'm skipping the morning at work so I can take the girl child. She doesn't want us to put her hair in a pony tail because she's concerned that no one will recognize her if we do. She's otherwise very excited. I'm not as upset as I was last year when it was her first year but I am very mixed about how quickly she seems to be growing up. I'm not ready!

I expect today will be a lot of fun.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 07:19 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I probably have a lot to answer for. My daughter is in her little black and white t-shirt from Alcatraz and running around announcing to one and all what I told her to say to anyone at the beach if they ask her either where she got the t-shirt or why she's wearing it:

I'm a gangsta of luuuv.

Exhibit A in the case of why I should not be trusted to home school my children.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 10:20 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I lied about something really important today. I told my daughter that there are no monsters in the world and that she is safe and that there really isn't anything scary. The thing is, she doesn't need, at 3 1/2, to know differently. But I know.

This woman knows:

Evil walks the earth and kills children for some perceived political gain. I don't know what it is. I sit, this morning, with my coffee and I look upon my daughter and I am so ineffably sad and I try so hard not to show it to her because she doesn't need that.

But I wonder, are we next? Will it be some pre-school in Tacoma or Miami or White Plains?

And so I sit there and I watch her and I know that I cannot keep her safe. And I lie to her. But I cannot lie to myself.

There are monsters and they bring terror in the name of Islam. I shy away from writing that last sentence because I know that muslim does not mean terrorist. I was raised to think differently and I like to think that I know differently. But something has gone terribly wrong somewhere if adherents to a creed or a cause or a system of beliefs think they are right and justified in shooting children in the back as they flee a burning building.

I lie to my daughter and tell her there are no monsters. But there are. And I fear. I am so very afraid.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 09:31 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I just put the Girl Child to bed after watching the Yankees / Indians game. We watched Jorge Posada hit a home run and I remarked that he was pretty good. She then said that she was not such a good baseball player and I told her that she was not a professional and we had the following exchange:

Me: They are professionals and they get paid.

Girl Child: They get paid? Money? To play baseball?

Me: Yes.

GC: [Stunned silence for a moment] Well, I don't know . . . [More silence] Well, I don't know EVEN what to say.

Never too early to learn it is absurd to pay men to play a kid's game.

Posted by: Random Penseur at 09:40 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 from the mouths of babes... or something like that my favorite part is the stunned moment of silence

Posted by: kbear at September 01, 2004 10:17 PM (IAJcf)

2 It partly reminds me of those stories you hear every now and then of Americans who go deep into the bush or to Papua New Guinea and such places. They tell the locals about things like abortion, and the natives laugh because it's so far removed from their concept of possibility that they think it's a joke.

Posted by: Andrew Cusack at September 01, 2004 10:23 PM (xuV6d)

3 She's brilliant. Just don't let her grow up a Yankees fan, OK?

Posted by: kb at September 01, 2004 10:52 PM (WxDFb)

4 It takes a child's words to put it into perspective. We pay to see them play because they can do it so much better than us. Nevermind the fact that in a year of playing games many of them make more money than most of us will see in a lifetime. Playing games well turns out to be sound business sense! I wonder if she had anything to say about yesterday's game??? :-)

Posted by: Mick at September 01, 2004 11:09 PM (aQUgb)

5 The Girl Child, clearly, jus' doesn't understand yet how much she'll (a tad later) want to want to recapture her beautiful self at that age and moment. She'll eventually come around, though. 'Til then we'll just have to

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 01, 2004 11:57 PM (izqWa)

6 ...just go ahead and love her like crazy(?). Sorry. Looks like I got cut off, somehow, in mid-sentence. Finished it again.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 02, 2004 01:45 AM (izqWa)

7 I left out the part where after she spoke her little piece, she clapped her hand over her mouth and just looked at me. I'm glad you all enjoyed it as much as I did. The hardest thing is not to laugh when she says these things.

Posted by: RP at September 02, 2004 08:01 AM (LlPKh)

8 She is too cute RP. I can just imagine her shaking her haed in disbelief!

Posted by: Rachel Ann at September 02, 2004 08:15 AM (hEpDZ)

9 Smart girl.

Posted by: Amber at September 02, 2004 03:09 PM (zQE5D)

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